My Process

Know who you are

How do you know who you are? And, how do you know you’re walking a crooked road on the path of your life?

Is it self-doubt?  Feeling like an impostor? 

Is it because you keep trying an can’t seem to get it right?

Maybe you’re so worried about it up that you never get started.

Whatever your experience, if you think you’re doing it wrong, you’re not alone.  Feeling like you’re doing it wrong doesn’t mean you are. Still, it helps to know which criteria you are measuring that by.

The trouble is that literally since birth we’ve been taught that the answers are outside of us.  That other people have the answers and we should listen up and learn. We get it from our parents, teachers, preachers.  From pop culture and the media. From our bosses and our spouses. Everyone else seems to have an opinion about what we should know and who we should be.

That’s useful when you’re a child.  Not so much as you grow up.

In the course of daily living, who could possibly know what’s best for you, than YOU?  What you like. What you want. Who you are. And yet, there really isn’t a point where we take control of that for ourselves.  Where we start validating ourselves from the inside rather than external validations.

Formal rites of passage have, for the most part, gone extinct.

All of this begs the questions, Who are you and how do you know that’s who you are?

The KTM Method was created to help people answer these questions:

  • How do you KNOW who you are?
  • How do you TEACH others who you are?
  • How do you MANAGE who you are over changing times and circumstances?

Because when you know who you are, and by what criteria you know, you can teach others with confidence so they know how to engage with you.

You don’t have to guess what to do or be wrong about getting it right.  You know what to say and do because those things come natural to you when you are genuinely being yourself.

There is no proving or defending, explaining or justifying.  There is just being.

When who you are is lined up with  how you think, what you say and what you do, others aren’t confused by the subliminal messages you put out.

An intimate relationship with yourself allows for intimate relationships with others.  We crave intimacy, but shy away from it to protect ourselves because it seems risky. Being vulnerable with others is less scary when you truly know yourself.

Teach others who you are

Human beings are social. We are designed to be in relationships. As much as we crave it, we are cautious. Careful not to risk too much too fast (if ever).

The fear of vulnerability is real.  There are reasons we set up boundaries.  We’ve all been hurt in relationships. Some more than others.

What if the boundaries we’ve been taught to set are really barriers?  What if they keep us from the closeness, the intimacy we hope to achieve?

Let’s face it, it’s confusing to tell a person “I want you to know me well enough to love me, to understand the value I bring to the relationship, but don’t know me well enough to hurt me.  Not well enough to weaponize what you learn about me.” Or, “Trust me first and I’ll decide whether or not I want to trust you.” It’s like playing a game of emotional chicken and hoping the relationship turns out.  And that’s as true at work as it is in romance.

When you know who you are well enough to teach others, your self-awareness IS your boundary.  The boundary is set by letting them know clearly, with words and actions, verbal and non-verbal communication:

  • What you care about
  • What your commitments are
  • What your priorities are
  • What you expect, make excuses for, do and don’t tolerate

Doing this tells them what to come to you for, and what not to.  What they can count on you for and not. What they can trust you with or not.  In essence, they know who you are and who you are not. That’s what real boundaries look like.

Manage who you are

Does who you ARE change?

What’s important to you in your teenage years isn’t the same as when you’re in your twenties, or thirties, or sixties. What matters when you’re single isn’t the same as when you’re married, parents, raising teenagers, empty nested.

Life is different before and after a divorce, diagnosis, career shift, loss of a loved one.  It’s different when you’re broke, have money to spend or after you’ve lost a fortune.

But, are you still YOU?

Is who you are dependent on situations and circumstances?  Or are you who you are, choosing HOW you will respond when “life” shows up?

I believe that who you ARE is your core values.  Aren’t those values still valid when you’re circumstances change?  What changes over time is How you express your those values. 

For instance, if you value adventure as a young person, your life of adventure may take on more physical expressions.  You may be daring. As an older person you may not have the stamina or agility to face those same challenges, but your thinking will still have an edge of risk to it.  How you experience adventure will change, not the desire for it.

By building habits and practices that support your values into your daily living, you anchor yourself to your own internal validation.  By understanding your own criteria, your own terms for living, you can mark life’s transitions with rites of passage that honor you and the shift in meaningful ways.

It’s easy to not feel like yourself when your world changes.  There is a need to find the “new normal”. And, a tendency to look to others to find out what to expect and how it will be.  In these times, it’s more important than ever to get grounded in yourself before applying their “best practices”. Then, from your own self-definition, you can ask “How would a person like “X” – me – respond to that situation?”

What’s at stake is your own satisfaction.  And, after all, isn’t success in life being satisfied with who you are and what you have accomplished?

katapultMy Process